Connie Willis Should Be Imprisoned If She Ever Tries To Write Again

Doomsday Book, by Connie Willis

If you’re only going to read one book this year… Make sure this one is simply on hand in case you run out of toilet paper.  Because it’s long enough that you won’t run out any time soon, AND ITS GOING TO IRRITATE YOUR ASS it’s so terrible.

This book won a Nebula and Hugo award.  Oh swoon, right? OMG this must be awesome, right???  Well, no… it got about 48 1 star Amazon reviews and 57 2 star reviews, (contrasted with 270 5 star reviews, a bunch of wantonly stupid morons banding together and using crayon to write reviews, most likely).  I just don’t know if I have it in me to fully express how bad this book was. 

Let me start by setting the scene:  the only vaguely science-fictiony thing is attempting to take place, where some guy mans a console and a history student, in “authentic clothes” sits among already damaged crap so that when she’s sent back in time to a bit before the black plague, she’ll appear to be a high born woman attacked on the road, deserted by her help with a nasty bonk to her noggin from her contrived robbers.  The console man will be attempting to send her through.  In what can only be described as the “Crying Room” found in any church, a bunch of hen pecking, annoying as fuck scientists all talk over each other and do a terrible Acting 101 soliloquy in which they listen to no one and repeat themselves like some contemporary art performance where their next feat will be to pull a 10 foot poem out of their collective vaginas.  (That happened:  http://www.caroleeschneemann.com/interiorscroll.html)  Seriously, the book would have taken such a turn for the better if they read to each other from scrolls yanked out of each others’ twats. 

Okay, so what you want me to say is this: predictably, something goes wrong sending her back; despite the fact that ‘no viruses can get through the net,’ you as the reader are aware that the student went through and got flu-like symptoms pretty bad.  The scientists that were squabbling about nothing interesting (and not actually talking to each other anyway) go get a beer to wait for the “fix,” when console-man says “hey, I got a fix on her, we’re all good!” only… he shows up discombobulated to the pub, says “something went wrong… I got the fix…but…” runs off back to the console across the street and when they all get there, he never finishes his sentence but passes out ill.   And thus this amazing tension of OMG WHAT ILLNESS WHAT WHAT OMG OMG. The console man got very sick… panic and quarantine, AND A CAPER!!! Eh, why make it interesting, though?   

Buuuut… that’s not quite what happened.  I mean, it is, if you cut 300 pages out of the book.  In the first 200 pages, all that happens is they send the girl back, the guy collapses without telling them what was off about the send.  That’s it.  So far, nothing.   What DID happen 46 times in those 200 pages is they got him to say “something’s wrong…” before he’d pass out again.  Actually, he continued to say this up through page 600 out of 884, when he finally spat out more of that sentence.   

And what of the girl that was sent back?  Let’s just say it takes you oh, about… a page.. a whole page… to figure out “hmmm, yes, something IS wrong, and deducing from the fact that her ‘translator’ in her ear isn’t helping her speak the correct language, they must not have sent her to the right time!”  Honestly.  It took her half the 884 page book to realize oooOOOOoooh…they can’t understand me because I’M IN THE WRONG TIME!  Oh for Fucking Stab Your Eyes Out, could you really not figure this out??  She’s sick and delirious and OMG what an amazing historical novel, we’re seeing how they care for the sick and dying in the 1300s!  We’re witnessing the Black Plague all around her!!  Yes, the girl actually has a recording device on her that activates when she presses her hands together like she’s praying… so OF COURSE for science, she will occasionally document specifics.  Like… “I hear a rat gnawing under my bed.” 

Okay, so first of all… this book is touted as a historical masterpiece.  I am no expert on the 1300s.  but… UNDER YOUR BED?  Under?  What, where your cute little Tupperware tubs are filled with sweaters from last season?  WTF UNDER YOUR BED IT”S A PILE OF STRAW YOU FUCKING IDIOT CUNT.  I mean, seriously, didn’t the 1800s still have really shitty mattresses for poor people?  Under her bed?  COME ON.   I did ONE FUCKING GOOGLE SEARCH and found this:  http://www.oldandinteresting.com/medieval-renaissance-beds.aspx

THAT IS IN THE FUCKING 1400s!!!!  Poor people had mattresses on the fucking floor.  What, are you going to tell me that she magically had a future bed in 1330 something?  OMFG, how is this a historical novel?  By the way, my favorite amazon review mentioned that while this is touted as being a historical fiction novel, she sources ONE LIBRARIAN in the back of the book.  One.  ONE. 

Back to my point, while I get it that student idiot girl is delirious, but we’re told over and over how she was to learn old English, French, german, latin, her cover story, etc… and ALL SHE SAYS to these people is “I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE DROP SITE TO SEE PROFESSOR FUCKFACE”  over and over and over and over and…. Where the fuck is your training?  I HOPE YOU GET THE PLAGUE.  Omg I hope she dies of the plague. 

She doesn’t, by the way.  Fucking doesn’t.  It’s unjust. 

The author finds this amazing device to set a scene… we’ll call it Shitty Writing.  She’ll take one character, and make them crawl into their own mind, spinning out of control, thinking OMG what if something went wrong? What if the send didn’t go well?  What if there’s a problem???” and then a second character, completely immune to outside signals people are putting off, just barks at them about how “you’re always trying to mess up my experiments! You don’t respect me as a professor! Any mistake here is your fault!”  Now, these EXACT two sentiments… down to EXACTLY REPEATED SENTENCES will repeat for 8 pages.  One paragraph, inner soliloquy.  Next, berating asshole moron complaining without listening.  Soliloquy.  Barking.  Soliloquy.  Barking.  If at any one point in 1000 times this occurred, the person being barked at said “HEY.  STFU.” And then maybe answered them, the conversation would be over and not have to be repeated 8 million times, but no such luck.

You ever read a word in a book, and it's such a unique word, that you totally notice when the author uses it again?  I don't know if it's a british thing, but he never "dials" a phone, he punches it.  He punched numbers 31 times in the book.  OOoh, and my personal favorite, Rummage.  In the beginning of the book, one of the scientists waiting in the crying room has a "shopping bag," which is mentioned no less than 20 times in the first 150 pages... 32 times in the book.  But... this woman is constantly rummaging through this bag or some other bag, and rummaging is a word used 5 times on one page early on.  HOLY FUCK lady!  STOP RUMMAGING.  It's like the only way she builds tension into a scene.  She literally has someone talk at her, then in response she rummages.  So that person repeats themselves SO SHE FUCKING RUMMAGES SOME MORE oh come on!

But that’s not all.  This book, set in the future, spends much of it’s time with busy signals.  Yes, that’s right, pull that memory out of the back of your mind, the most annoying sound in the world, brought back to life.  The book was written in 1992, so, unfortunately the science fiction part wasn’t her strong suit, only masters like Gibson can get this one right… time travel, and no voice mail or cell phones.  EGADS.  And, every time he gets through somewhere, it’s to someone that I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP wants to update him on the toilet paper situation, and mention that some foreign guests are really pissed about being stuck in a quarantine.  The toilet paper and the grumpy guests have nothing to do with the story.  They are simply used as a device so that every time he calls this guy for info, these 2 problems will keep him from answering what he was supposed to answer, and then the call will end, with no one getting anywhere.  “Yes sir, but…the guests sir… the guests are upset”  OMG I WANT TO STAB THIS WRITER IN THE EYE SO FUCKING BADLY WHY DID I SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THIS FUCKING BOOK.

Okay, so… remember how I mentioned the soliloquies?  Take the individuals constantly having ‘asides’ where they think the same thoughts… (I used the search feature and found whatever words in their thoughts repeated throughout the book, so I could see they thought about the same thing, but got interrupted, so they have to go back and think the same thing AGAIN), failed phone conversations, and the sick console man who keeps saying “SOMETHING WENT WRONG…” and you have a broadway musical number:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KXx80zm-d0  Yes, it’s as easy to read as it is to stomach a high school rendition of that cacophonous medley. 

Fuck, I feel some of the fight drifting out of me.  My sister recommended this book, and I so wanted to like it so we could chat about it… but I am just so angry these words were allowed to be printed on a page!  It aggravates me!  From the beginning of the book, we know something went wrong about sending her back, but the guy who wants to tell you what happened gets sick… he says something went wrong 129 times BEFORE HE SAYS WHAT WENT WRONG by page 600.  By page 400, student girl finally figures out she must have been sent to the wrong time, and that’s why her translator won’t work.  By the end of the book you realize none of it matters.  At least, that’s what the shitty reviews on Amazon say, because I can’t be bothered to read any further. 

I recommend reading Amazon’s 1 star reviews, they’re written far better than the book and they tell a much better story. 

My Opinion Isn't Worth Shit

This ad speaks to me… it says… together…we’re gonna make a shit ton of money!!! Well, not really.  But I imagine that’s what an ad would say to me, if I were the spokesperson looking out from it.  Though I guess that’s not really correct, either.  Once you’re in the ad, you got paid already.  You did your job… it’s the people using ads to self-promote that are the ones crossing their fingers, they’re the ones with something to lose.

I get really tired of stupid people confusing 1^st amendment rights with advertising revenue.  Or even 1^st Amendment rights with business decisions.  They’re just not the same fucking thing, and you look like an idiot when you overlook that.  You can say what the hell you want whenever wherever…unless you’re in someone’s employ, where something you said could affect the corporate brand.  Money talks far louder than anyone’s concerns about your stupid opinions.

Here’s an easy example.  You have the right to call someone a “nappy headed ho.”  You don’t have the right to expect advertisers to want to pay for you to say it, if negative publicity about such a comment splashes over into their end of the pool.  And more importantly, your employers have the right to define their own brand, too.  They might look at the outcry and throw you under the bus because, short sided or not, it earns them goodwill/money.  Or, most likely, they take the long sided route and “fire” you for 3-4 days, and hire you back when the angry mob got distracted by some other shiny object.  It’s not about your 1^st Amendment right anymore, it’s about their bottom dollar.  Totally different things.

I have a friend that gets really pissed off when a celebrity is forced to apologize for something they said.  For the most part, I completely agree with her: they’re not being paid or employed by someone that might have to do damage control over it, right?  People should be allowed to hold onto whatever opinions they want, right?    

But it’s not like someone put a gun to their heads to apologize, so… my sympathy only goes so far.  Think about it.  They don’t have to apologize.  Fuck that.  Whatshisface Kramer could have just forged right ahead with his n-word flinging fail, and been unapologetic about it.  Who cares?  He didn’t say anything illegal… You know who cares? He fucking cares.  And this is why I’m not sympathetic to the celebrity that is “forced to apologize.”  The dumbfuck realized that with the viral nature of the interwebz, his stand-up bomb wasn’t just a passing review by a bored critic… he got mad at the crowd, and the crowd fucking memorialized his failure for all time.  Oooh, that stung a little, didn’t it Kramer?  Is THAT why you apologized?  Did that hurt the ol’ image… I mean pocketbook?

Fuck that, celebrities aren’t forced to say shit.  They just realized that the number of people backing them and whatever dumb shit they said don’t equal enough fans for them to continue with the lifestyle they have grown so accustomed to expect.  “I could just tell them to suck it up… or… I could try to win back over the public so that I can actually sell enough tickets to my next gig…”  Because a celebrity is their own brand.  They are their own advertiser and employer, and they are only too well aware that their marketability may have its limitations.  Age, relevance, talent… these qualities are all pretty fleeting (if present at all) and may give out if the public turns on them.  No one forced Oprah to apologize to the beef people, but in her branding wizardry, she found a way to turn the whole thing into some goodwill avalanche of actual cash right back into her empire. 

The whole thing sways on public opinion.  20 years ago, there’d be some angry letter campaigns and phone calls, and that was the main way the public communicated their anger.  Now?  Fuck letters, who the fuck cares that you can still write in cursive… now it’s twitter, facebook, blogs, and comment sections on articles… people’s opinions are so much more visible… you couldn’t see that 20,000 had written letters, but HOLY FUCK IT’S NOW A TRENDING TOPIC ZOMG PAY ATTENTION!  I think public opinion, with its power, visibility, and appetite, is pretty awesome.  And not because I think mob mentality usually has something coherent or intelligent to say, I don’t – it’s usually a drooling, stupid flatulence of a sentiment that we could really do without.  I like it because it’s this awkward phenomena of little people all realizing they can squawk about something and be get heard.  Corporate entities have to have whole Public Relations departments prepared 24/7 to react… imagine that… you’re on call at any moment to respond to some rage campaign on twitter that has decided you support skinning baby kangaroos for a hobby, forcing you to do a bunch of positive ad campaigns with you shaking hands with a perfectly fuzzy baby kangaroo. 

And just the same, that public outcry informs you about what kind of opinions are out there.  The Million Moms, all 40,000 of them or so, has let us know how much they hate gaywear, and how they won’t shop at JC Penney now that they’ve endorsed that militant gay Ellen.  And now, everyone else knows how they feel, and can form their own opinion about how they feel about the Million Moms.  Well, at least about gay apparel, they don’t really tell you much else about themselves, other than they presumably would not make out with me at a party so I’m sort of over them.   I’m curious to know how much support JCP received… because it was either such an overwhelming amount that they made the obvious choice of goodwill with the larger customer base, or, JC Penney decided they had the better of the two arguments and decided to stand by their guns in hopes society would grow up a little.  Of course, there could be a third option; JC Penney is a little strapped for cash, and already paid Ellen the endorsement money…maybe they don’t have the cash to start from scratch so they figure they’ll take the hit, use the advertising campaign, and go with something more banal the next round, something with little baby kangaroos in jackets.  I have my money on the first one, but you just never know.  I know I’ve certainly used something illfitting or illsuited because I already paid money for it and couldn’t return it. 

The downside of course, is the same upside.  It’s a stupid angry mob.  And like most stupid angry mobs, a group out there, somewhere, somehow, can and has figured out how easy it is to make an angry mob do their bidding.  (Stand behind it, tap it on the shoulder so it turns that direction, shove.)  Throw some political money at a small organization with a REALLY LOUD FUCKING WHINE and suddenly you can mimicry public outcry of millions with only a few thousands.  That’s not a bunch of people voicing an opinion, that’s a political machine focusing those dumb little mob-cogs all together like a desperate Who-Ville cry to be heard.  We are less informed about what the little individuals really want, and more informed about what their political organization of a brain needs them to think.  But hey, no one's paying me to have an opinion, so what do I know.