For Better, or for Ratings

So, I believe the Kardashians fall into one of two potential scenarios.

The first is obvious.  Self absorbent, narcissistic morons who don’t care what exactly happens on their show, they’re just gob smacked at the opportunity to open their face holes and let sound come out while having a camera follow them around as they sit and give each other Oh. My. God. looks while nonchalantly listening to voice mail on speaker phone or having a laptop set up on the table so they can read off the CRAZY EMAIL they just got.  Because that’s how we all get our news, we wait for an audience, then check texts.

They don’t put a lot of consideration into what is going to be filmed, but like Mr. Ed, they think they know when people want them to move their mouths, only they’re a lot less adorable to watch and can’t fit into quite as small a stall.  Sure, maybe they have some vague idea of what the producers have planned, but I suspect that when no cameras are present, they’re desperately quiet to each other, afraid that the one and only worth while thing they say their entire lives won’t make it to film.  Rest assured, ladies, you haven’t missed a day that will never be.

The second option is the one that scares me; it is possible that they actually attempt to ‘script’ their shows.  Not just some vague “OMG HA HA HA we’ll put koolaid on a tampon and make him think we left it lying out!”  “OOOH! Yeah! And he’ll taste it to verify!!  OMG YES!”

I mean an honest to god, complex thought out game plan which enabled them to avoid this season of the Kardashians from fizzling out because it was the same old disgusting sorority girls that have still failed to graduate onto something else.  No, they weren’t just going on about their pathetic, self centered existences, they were figuring out a way long before the season filmed to make it worthwhile, to up their ratings.  I admit it, I even had a thought about how funny it would be to see this pathetic relationship play out on screen knowing it would end 72 days later…

BUT THAT WAS PROBABLY THE PLAN.  It wasn’t just that he was stupid, or she was desperate to have the attention you get as a bride, or the cash from the photos, magazine spots or the endorsements from designers and products… oh no.  This was a planned out assault that the whole thing would go to shit *BEFORE THOSE EPISODES AIRED* so that their show would suck in potential new blood believing they were going to be watching a train wreck in the making.  The wedding and subsequent bitch fest had to all play out before it aired, ENSURING you wanted to see what the fuck was the story before the shit hit the fan.  It creeps me a little to think that was always the plan…pick a guy just dumb enough that even if you tell him the secret, it’s too much meat for thoughts to move through and his face won’t reveal a thing. 

Don't you dare doubt me on this one.

The few times he says something smart, like “whos gonna know you in a few years anyway?” will be comedy gold, ultimately just proof that he already saw this as some sort of intense clown brigade that he was only traveling with until the next town.  They have the stories about joining the circus, but if you ever notice, when the circus comes to town, it’s all old timers… they don’t mention the bodies they drop out of the wagons before they reach the next locale. 

Near Braindead Experiences

I am angered that there is any shroud of mystery around “NDE’s” aka Near Death Experiences.  Really?  Are people that fucking stupid?

Let’s review.  There is overwhelming evidence that people have very similar experiences with NDEs; there are similarities, tunnels, lights at the end of it, floating above themselves.  There is also a consistent corollary, that most of them are completely inaccurate when reporting about what they “saw” that is usually up and out of their view. 

You know that many hospitals actually put random things above cabinets and such, so should someone have an out of body experience, so if someone actually does float up, they’d be compelled to say “HEY! I actually saw this thing up there!”  You know what? NO ONE HAS EVER IDENTIFIED ANY OF THOSE. 

Never.

Not once.

So, back to what we do know.  Similar experiences, phenomena, visions… what does this tell us?  You might say “well, it just seems suspicious, doesn’t it? I mean, why would they all report the same things, even those people that aren’t aware of what other people reported??” 

It just seems like the most classic logical error of evaluating the evidence you have and jumping to an unsupported conclusion.  The only thing those common experiences prove… is that you’re using the same instrument to measure.  You’re using a human; a human brain.  You’re a vessel with limited but similar capacity to interact with your reality. 

Think of yourself as a measuring device, such as a device to detect Gamma rays.  You cannot use that device as a barometer (unless you’re MacGyver I guess).  You don’t use a scale to measure volume.  You do not check temperature to identify chemical makeup.  A human brain, in it’s seemingly infinite capacity but actually ability, is really just a device with limited applications and functions.  Tunneled vision isn’t out of this world, it’s something commonly found in exhaustion or head injuries.  The out of body experience isn’t evidence of a soul or of heaven, it’s a very likely transmutation of consciousness to dreaming in which our brain confuses and disorients us.   

How often has one dreamt of flying?  Or falling? That jump when you startle yourself awake feeling your dream-self pancake into the ground?  How often do you day dream?  When you’re tired, do you feel you see more random things out of the corner of your eye?  The shadows you drive past seem like a dog or animal, yet there’s nothing there? Your “eye plays tricks” on you? You’re going to trust your perception at a moment of severe trauma, more than you rely on your brain when you’re simply tired?  Really??

The fact that one can trick their own brain should be reason enough not to trust it.  Give it a placebo and it totally runs with it.  

It drives me insane that there is actually money and funding being wasted on such a stupid, asinine conjecture.  It’s another example of ascribing a religious nature to something without any proof that such an attribute has any logical bearing on religion, whatsoever, rather than study what is obviously at issue, the brain.  The brain gasping on too little oxygen, or feeble support systems, injury, a dream like state of delirium, or just choking on the unbearable claustrophobia of an intellectual midget.  Why would anyone assume evidence of anything else when we know enough about the mysterious brain to know every single element of a NDE is consistent with trickery of the mind.

It’s not evidence of a light at the end of a tunnel you buffoon, it’s evidence that however uselessly, you still possess a brain.

A Day of Mourning

As much as I am saddened by the recent passing of Christopher Hitchens, I am delighted by the sheer volume of recorded talks, debates, appearances, interviews, essays, articles, and books.  I spent the day perusing Hitchslaps, and had the time to just soak in so much of what he was famous for; whether you find any of his ideas inflammatory or spot on, there is no doubt that he was an incredible intellectual with a merciless wit. 

My first thought, after seeing him eviscerate his opponents for intellectual shortcomings, was that the apologist movement must have issued a universal sigh of relief.  No longer would they have to risk opening their mouths and saying something asinine like “oooh what about … what about pascal’s wager!” and know that Hitchens would first chide them for relying on such a stupid argument and then dispel any notion that the idea is worth entertaining.  I was shocked watching some of the footage in which his opponents attempted humor by saying things that he used to just BURY them. 

Like the Rabbi who commented about his son’s briss that “my son cried more at his first haircut than he did when he was circumcised” to which Hitchens first replied, “then you were doing it wrong.”  (The haircut, I presume.)  But he goes on to say “What if I was a muslim and said ‘my daughter cried more at her first hair cut than she did when I had her clitoris cut off.’?” And preceded to bring his point home that religion makes decent, nice people do outrageously horrible things in the name of religion. 

Or how about the time that fucking Grand Poobah of high pitched whiny morons has a moment of clarity when he quips “Now Hitch, I know you’re used to being the smartest man in the room…” Honey, everyone’s used to that feeling when they talk to you.  It’s not just Hitch.  That was Sean Hannity.  What a fucking tool.  He sounds like a 1930’s mafia informant, high pitched, nasal, and whiny.

I’m delighted that apart from the appearances on stupid news programs and inflammatory crossfire like LoudestVoiceWins news network appearances, Hitch also did a number of talks, friendly debates, book talks, and interviews which allow him the freedom to weave together his arguments without some moron who starts the interview with “So, I believe in god, I’m a Christian, but what is all this you’re saying about religion isn’t a force of good in the world!  What could you possibly mean by this?”  I totally respect the guy for making the rounds in places that may have quite a few non-believers hidden within that could use a reminder that they’re not alone.  He was just so fucking good at knowing when niceties were uncalled for and when someone needed to be called to the mat.

I watched him receive an award from Dawkins in Oct 2011 (2 months before he died), and I just couldn’t.  It made me sob.  He was so sick, and knowing he was nearing the end was so heartbreaking.

Forever in our conscious, even if no longer in the universe.  <3

Fuck Off, Jesus, You're Giving Away My Position

Warning Label:  Lest your eye deceive you, nothing written below is in any way shape or form an indication that I have anything but the highest respect for the brave men and women that serve in the military to do a job few of us would volunteer to do.  To suggest otherwise would not only be wrong, but it would be incorrect. 

So I was thinking about Gays in the military (huh, strange… I felt the urge to capitalize that, yet I insist on writing ‘god’ on principle… lol), and I was reminded of an article I read by my favorite Gay advice columnist and overall fabulous Dan Savage, in which he thanked the military.  It was before he met his husband? Partner?  I forget if they got hitched or not… anyway, he recounted dancing in a club when he was young, and spotting a military dude and thinking ‘thank you, U.S. military, for giving that boy a body like that…”

And apart from imagining a hot gay soldier dancing in a club, something else dawned on me…I totally get it now.  The whole jesus-freak fear of gays in the military, I get it.

You see, religion has long cornered the market on taking everything you want out of and trying to control your access to it by dangling that eternal life thing in front of you.  Sex, booze, drugs, more sex… all of the things that you like, those are the things about which religion has the most to say.  Think about it.  How do you get a baby’s attention?  That’s right, you dangle keys in front of it, or your cell phone – something you don’t *really* want your kid to have, but let’s face it, when you want to get his attention, showing him a memoir written by a Real Idiot Housewife of Whogivesafucksberg isn’t going to have the same “reach out and grab ya” effect.  That’s nothing anyone wants.  You have to dangle something they DO want, even if they’re not allowed to admit it, in order to get them to listen to the rest of what the fuck they have to say.  If religion professed to shun all the wickedness that is Model Airplane Building, do you think more than a handful of individuals would take notice?  Aaah, but bring up strip clubs and sexual deviance, and NOW you’re onto something near and dear to one’s heart, and it’s just one extra step to convince them that shit feeling they have inside is due to that lust for smut, not from excessive fast food and inactivity.  Trust me, I know things.

So, back to that whole gays-fill-fatigues-like-no-one-else thing…er, I mean, gays openly serving in the military (seriously, is there anything sexier than a ripped gay, in a military uniform, with a big gun and all that random gear strapped to him or her?)  The military has long been one of the staples of patriotism to the christian nation.  Fuck you, microsoft, if I wanted to capitalize christian, I’d have done so myself.  Making me autocorrect the autocorrect is rude.  Where was I? oh yeah. Jesus soldiers.  Soldiers are an odd choice for poster boys, really, because – while they’re absolutely awesome human beings – they also have glorious potty mouths and wicked senses of humor (some, anyway) which aren’t exactly appropriate for bible study.  Have you watched the military channel?  There’s more bleeps than a Lisa Lamponeli special shown on network tv.   Stupid metaphor, my point being, they curse, a lot.

Think of all the ways soldiers are described – brave, courageous, devoted parents, spouses, children.  They make us proud.  They’re heroes.  None of these things are any LESS true knowing some are gay… unless you’re a fundy.  Letting Gays serve openly in the military, for fundies, is like letting a woman get an abortion during “children’s week” in church.  I think the whole reason they’re so up in arms about it is they’ve spent so much time and effort cultivating the god --> patriotism --> military connection that this would seriously fuck up that scenario.  If you could have “patriotic” and “gay” in the same breath, how the fuck are you going to sell the idea that Gay Marriage as a poison pill inadvertently swallowed by a feeble and struggling America, so delicate that it was weakened by all the condoned gay sex that’s going on??  The military has yet to recognize gay spouses, you know, they’re not invited to on-base events that allow soldiers to bring a spouse and kids.  No joke, you can’t bring your gay husband to the fireworks display or family cook out.  And when THAT finally changes, what next?? 

It dawned on me that by letting gays serve “openly” (isn’t that a shit kicker?  The whole argument is prefaced with “openly…” as in, we could GIVE a fuck if you fucking go back in the hell closet you belong in, so long as we don’t have to know about it…), it ruins the God Guns and Country identity.  It takes something that they’re so used to owning, and makes it an unstable ambassador for their ideals. 

Now I’m not saying they own the military, but the simple fact that there even had to be a lame, counter movement about “I don’t have to support the war to support our troops” gives you at least an idea on the whole christian/military relationship they’re used to expecting, that image that ties god to guns with such…flamboyancy.  Who knows, maybe it’s the whole having to be willing to die for a cause/promises of heaven that make the two so natural on a playdate together.  You know, no atheists in foxholes crap.

Whatever the reasoning, I realized that gays serving OPENLY OMG OPENLY HOW CAN THEY DO THAT does exactly what religious types hate, makes them share some concept with heathens and sinners.  It’s gay gift giving around a gay christmas tree with gay people that don’t own a nativity scene and if they did, it’d be done in drag.  It’s eroding at the illusion they have over a lot of things, that no one else should be able to partake in it, it’s theirs by exclusive god given right, like the constitution, nascar or state fairs. 

How Very Little I Know or Care to Know about Music

So let’s start out with a few caveats, shall we?

1. I do not fuck all about the music industry outside of baseless conjecture and assumption.
2. I have musical taste which while eclectic, still falls comfortably into that bell curve of mainstream music – while I certainly like some random things, my taste in music is, for the most part, lazy and unimaginative, unless you count Benny Goodman as imaginative.
3. I don’t really care all that much to change 1 or 2, though I’m always open to listening to something that might delight my ear.

Who would have thought that weird perm-headed kid would turn out to be Justin Timberlake, talented musician, actor, voice actor, and whateverthefuckelse he does?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fanboi – I wasn’t even that in to NSYNK or however they butchered that word, but I would like to point out that the one that was probably the easiest to pass over is currently the only one I can really remember.  Truly, I’m not even that much of a fan of his music, but I watch all of the SNL videos with that guy that’s not Adam Sandler and played some evil kneivel character.  I have to admit he’s got both comedic timing and whether you like his brand of music or not, which I don’t really, he’s still pretty damn popular.

I forget which band Nick Lachey was in, if it was the same one, but what the fuck is that guy up to?  I see him as the host of the Sing Off, and it’s a damn shame he doesn’t sing.  If you’ve ever watched the Sing Off, Lachey has the most velvety, smooth voice I’ve ever heard.  It’s fucking creepy how silky and smooth it is.  I couldn’t name a single song he sang, but if he can TALK like that, the guy has to be able to sing like an angel.

And it got me thinking… if he and Timberlake were in the same band, do they ever think of corroborating?  And then, wait, no, that’s just weird.  When do you EVER hear 2 guys working together on a song unless one is a rap artist and one is a country singer, or some other vibrantly contrasting musical style?  Usually one does a bridge, or a looped background thing… Like that horrible apology song with Faith Hill’s husband (wtf is his name…)… something about it’s too late to something something, it’s too late…..

Or Adam Levine inviting the once-vaguely-talented-now-morphing-into-untalented-white-version-of-Aretha-Franklin Christina Aguilera to sing on his song… Dudes invite chicks to sing. 

Girls might sing with girls, like…wait, that hook sounds like the…Dixie Chicks??  Or maybe Katy Perry and RiHanna or something, but you never hear OOOH! Timberlake and Lachey are touring together! 

I admittedly watch a few different reality television shows where you get to see musicians/singers whoring themselves out to network television.  Such as Jennifer Lopez performing her new song (I should have fast forwarded it, how could I know at the time I’d hear it 1,000,000,000 more times every time I turned on the radio?), or Usher going on Dancing with the Stars to sing horribly without auto tune… auto tone? True tone? Whatever it’s called, see #1.  I will listen to about 15 seconds worth just to see how terrible they are live.  It’s fun to see them struggle with it.

To all of you with unique, incredible taste in music, congratulations.  You’re fucking morally superior in every way, and have a “spine” or whatever else you want to say it takes to make up your own mind about music.  You know what? I don’t care.  Part of me wants to, part of me wants to go discover new interesting stuff, but the other half has heard enough non toe tapping crap to be really sort of over it.  Music is, for the most part, a lovely backdrop for me to let my brain do all sorts of other useless things, and when it becomes too interruptive or cranky about being melodious I’m done with it.  So, my hats off to you, thanks to your efforts at the far end of the bell curve, your drive to find something before it was cool help discover it for people like me to play it into oblivion.  Thanks!