I think there are arguably some really easy litmus tests out there to examine whether you’re decent parent material or not. I think it takes something special to be a parent, a type of patience I was not keen on developing. It is all in your point of view, and how you look at the situations that would inevitably arise in the course of raising a new, blank slate that can really tell you the obvious.
Facing the truth, your baby, no matter how they score on whatever tests they use to measure performance and smarts in the first few weeks, is incredibly stupid compared to any adult. I’m sorry, but it’s true. Here we have a world of technology, advancements, inventions… and out there on the horizon, distantly, I might add, are the days when your child will finally learn to tie a shoe, shit by itself, or set up the coffeemaker to go off the next morning. I mean, those things are EONS away…. No matter how quick your kid is to grab your finger with its sticky little brand new hand, you STILL have to teach that lazy little diaper filler to brush its teeth.
To be a parent, you have to look at all those momentous occasions with both anticipation and joy. You have to long for the day you can teach him to tie a tie, or her about her period (okay, maybe that’s not a fun lesson), and then have the requisite sadness that little Timmy is getting so big. You remember fondly that first time you caught him with that telling, furrowed brow, and plunked him down on the potty shaped like a wishing well, or whatever they do to make kids excited about pooing in a civilized fashion. You have to be convinced that introducing your kid to things a million have done before them, and a million will do after, is somehow still an exciting mile marker that you’ll document and post in a status message. Somehow I just don’t think it would go over well if I posted a pic titled “Timmy FINALLY fucking holding his head up on his own.”
For example – you might be perfect parent material if you get giddy at the idea of introducing your child to what you loved as a kid. Showing them your treasured star wars toys, sitting with them during the original movies, watching them fall in love with it just as you did. You’re shitty parent material, like me, if all you can think about is what a fucking time sink it’s going to be having to catch them up on everything. Jesus Christ, you’re so far behind, you don’t even realize that The Venture Brothers is a twist on Johnny Quest, or Toy Story was awesome because all the old toys that went to goodwill made cameos in the film. That layer would be completely lost on a new kid. You have to not be bothered original films will fail to hold their interest, that they’d rather watch the drone war cartoons 10x a day, and Jar Jar Binks amuses them. And still, it fills you with joyous pride that you’re sharing this new world with them…
There’s another fairly easy litmus test out there, along with that patience, that you have to have. In addition to taking delight in the seriously underachieving world of baby accomplishments, you have to soldier on forging a bond with a person that drools and blows spit bubbles when you want to talk current events. Forget having a bad day, because little gassy belly bloat over there isn’t going to suddenly ask you if you’re doing okay or if you’d rather just order take out. No, that selfish little puke machine hasn’t the slightest inclination to worry about how YOU’RE doing, despite the fact that at least for a while, you’re really that kid’s only lifeline to the outside world. That takes some serious tolerance for a parent to not only wait a year before requiring a kid “say please first,” but to not carry growing resentment for every time that kid dropped whatever you made for them for dinner onto the floor after trying to wear it as a hat. Remember? Because they still haven’t figured out forks and spoons yet. Seriously. Apes can use tools. And your little cretin will start out by stabbing himself in the eye with one.
So, if you get all starry eyed just thinking about being there the first time your kid finally figures out how to do what the rest of us have been doing for years, it might be right for you. Some people say they’re afraid to bring a new person into this world because of the deteriorating state of this planet. I say I’m against bringing in one more ignorant moron to this world that until you teach them otherwise, will eat dirt and try to taste the dog.
No comments:
Post a Comment