Imagine driving down the highway. There’s very little traffic. That stupid little fucking sedan… or maybe a minivan… decides OMG I MUST CHANGE LANES THE UNIVERSE DEMANDS IT… and cuts in front of you. No one around in any other lane. They change lanes… to the left, let’s say… where they should be going faster… yet they are traveling at 5 to 20 mph slower than you.
Hate this fucker? How about the one that taps the breaks to change lanes in the first place, on an empty highway? OMG I MUST BREAK I’M SO AFRAID OF WHAT MIGHT BE IN THAT EMPTY LANE BESIDE ME!!! I don’t know what goes through their heads. But if that’s you, fuck you, you shouldn’t be driving.
In my dreams, I have a number of inventions. Cars might have LED signs on them which would broadcast passive aggressive notes like, “are you just learning how to change lanes?” or “I noticed you forgot your plastic bike helmet today.” The signs would get pretty brutal pretty fast, please see my prior post about the dying art of insults… you may as well just start up with them blaring “FUCK YOU!” with a little animated middle finger dancing it’s way around the screen.
The next invention is far more gratifying – it’s a giant nerf gun. When someone is being a dickhead on the road, you simply aim and fire. This isn’t brutal violence, it merely fires a giant suction cupped dart which attaches easily to a car and bursts forth with a sign that says “I’M A FUCKING MORON WHO VEERS RIGHT TO MAKE A LEFTHAND TURN.” Just, you know, like merit badges they’ve earned throughout the day. You would be able to send messages and have them display... it'd be so informative!
I fully admit, there would be times when I get home and I’d have to do that awesome move from 300 where I swipe all the arrows out of my car-shield, but there would be other days where popping the fuck out of some stupid motherfucking car with those god damn stupid family stickers in the window would be so goddamn gratifying. Also, they’re just syllables, and potty words just feel *right*. And yes, it WAS a hard day down at the docks, thanks for asking.
2 comments:
My daydreams are all of the telekinesis variety. Like being able to pick up their car at 70mph, shake it like a dog, and deposit it upside-down in the median. Or on top of the nearby 6-story building.
And I still think that if I can present video evidence of auto stupidity/douchebaggery, I should be exonerated from all charges that I, say, used a TOW missile to blow the douchebag's car up.
My lifelong dream of car-based retribution technology has been the heart attack button somewhere on the dashboard. It could be a a big red button that just says "HEART ATTACK" on it, or it could be disguised as some weird climate control setting button that nobody would think to use. Person cuts you off? BAM heart attack. Person who isn't a carpool in the carpool lane? BAM heart attack. Person in front of you in the drive through ordering 50 things? BAM heart attack (that one may be more harmful than helpful depending on if you can escape said drive through.
Though I've dreamed of this button for years, I still haven't settled on how incapacitating or deadly the resulting heart attack should be.
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