Warning Label: Lest your eye deceive you, nothing written below is in any way shape or form an indication that I have anything but the highest respect for the brave men and women that serve in the military to do a job few of us would volunteer to do. To suggest otherwise would not only be wrong, but it would be incorrect.
So I was thinking about Gays in the military (huh, strange… I felt the urge to capitalize that, yet I insist on writing ‘god’ on principle… lol), and I was reminded of an article I read by my favorite Gay advice columnist and overall fabulous Dan Savage, in which he thanked the military. It was before he met his husband? Partner? I forget if they got hitched or not… anyway, he recounted dancing in a club when he was young, and spotting a military dude and thinking ‘thank you, U.S. military, for giving that boy a body like that…”
And apart from imagining a hot gay soldier dancing in a club, something else dawned on me…I totally get it now. The whole jesus-freak fear of gays in the military, I get it.
You see, religion has long cornered the market on taking everything you want out of and trying to control your access to it by dangling that eternal life thing in front of you. Sex, booze, drugs, more sex… all of the things that you like, those are the things about which religion has the most to say. Think about it. How do you get a baby’s attention? That’s right, you dangle keys in front of it, or your cell phone – something you don’t *really* want your kid to have, but let’s face it, when you want to get his attention, showing him a memoir written by a Real Idiot Housewife of Whogivesafucksberg isn’t going to have the same “reach out and grab ya” effect. That’s nothing anyone wants. You have to dangle something they DO want, even if they’re not allowed to admit it, in order to get them to listen to the rest of what the fuck they have to say. If religion professed to shun all the wickedness that is Model Airplane Building, do you think more than a handful of individuals would take notice? Aaah, but bring up strip clubs and sexual deviance, and NOW you’re onto something near and dear to one’s heart, and it’s just one extra step to convince them that shit feeling they have inside is due to that lust for smut, not from excessive fast food and inactivity. Trust me, I know things.
So, back to that whole gays-fill-fatigues-like-no-one-else thing…er, I mean, gays openly serving in the military (seriously, is there anything sexier than a ripped gay, in a military uniform, with a big gun and all that random gear strapped to him or her?) The military has long been one of the staples of patriotism to the christian nation. Fuck you, microsoft, if I wanted to capitalize christian, I’d have done so myself. Making me autocorrect the autocorrect is rude. Where was I? oh yeah. Jesus soldiers. Soldiers are an odd choice for poster boys, really, because – while they’re absolutely awesome human beings – they also have glorious potty mouths and wicked senses of humor (some, anyway) which aren’t exactly appropriate for bible study. Have you watched the military channel? There’s more bleeps than a Lisa Lamponeli special shown on network tv. Stupid metaphor, my point being, they curse, a lot.
Think of all the ways soldiers are described – brave, courageous, devoted parents, spouses, children. They make us proud. They’re heroes. None of these things are any LESS true knowing some are gay… unless you’re a fundy. Letting Gays serve openly in the military, for fundies, is like letting a woman get an abortion during “children’s week” in church. I think the whole reason they’re so up in arms about it is they’ve spent so much time and effort cultivating the god --> patriotism --> military connection that this would seriously fuck up that scenario. If you could have “patriotic” and “gay” in the same breath, how the fuck are you going to sell the idea that Gay Marriage as a poison pill inadvertently swallowed by a feeble and struggling America, so delicate that it was weakened by all the condoned gay sex that’s going on?? The military has yet to recognize gay spouses, you know, they’re not invited to on-base events that allow soldiers to bring a spouse and kids. No joke, you can’t bring your gay husband to the fireworks display or family cook out. And when THAT finally changes, what next??
It dawned on me that by letting gays serve “openly” (isn’t that a shit kicker? The whole argument is prefaced with “openly…” as in, we could GIVE a fuck if you fucking go back in the hell closet you belong in, so long as we don’t have to know about it…), it ruins the God Guns and Country identity. It takes something that they’re so used to owning, and makes it an unstable ambassador for their ideals.
Now I’m not saying they own the military, but the simple fact that there even had to be a lame, counter movement about “I don’t have to support the war to support our troops” gives you at least an idea on the whole christian/military relationship they’re used to expecting, that image that ties god to guns with such…flamboyancy. Who knows, maybe it’s the whole having to be willing to die for a cause/promises of heaven that make the two so natural on a playdate together. You know, no atheists in foxholes crap.
Whatever the reasoning, I realized that gays serving OPENLY OMG OPENLY HOW CAN THEY DO THAT does exactly what religious types hate, makes them share some concept with heathens and sinners. It’s gay gift giving around a gay christmas tree with gay people that don’t own a nativity scene and if they did, it’d be done in drag. It’s eroding at the illusion they have over a lot of things, that no one else should be able to partake in it, it’s theirs by exclusive god given right, like the constitution, nascar or state fairs.
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