Billionaire Plan

 

Most of us have one, I presume… you hear about the giant amount of money in whatever lottery… the one you probably don’t even buy a ticket for because you know the odds.  But I know I’m not alone in daydreaming about what I’d do.

For some reason, my “obvious first choice” is made fun of a lot.  I think it must be related to the things I have stress about, it just seems like the thing you have to do first and get it out of the way:  Mortgages.  Yes, suspending for the moment the idea that I’d simply move, mortgages are my first item on the list.  Mine, my siblings, my husband’s family, and then some of my extended family.  Yeah, I know, “some of my extended family” may cause some issue, but what can I say – I’m close to my dad’s sister’s extended family.  I’m not nearly so close with my Mom’s siblings’ kids, but there are certainly a few of them that I am.  My closest friends.  Either in getting started with that giant downpayment (as in, most of it), or paying off the one they have.  And I guess a little trust fund for whatever surprises arise from house ownership that weren’t foreseen, I don’t want this to turn into an Oprah car give away where the taxes surprise anyone.

Yes, I’m assuming I have enough that this is all possible.

Once that crap is out of the way…

ON TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF!!!  I will be known as the shady zoo dealer.  “Soo… you want a new gorilla enclosure?  How about I make that happen, but… you let me frolic with baby red pandas?”   

 Oh that’s right, your cute little penguin habitat comes at a cost.  I get to tickle their bellies and feed them fish.

What, you say? Your leopard just had kittens?  PERFECT!!  I’ll be there, holding the full bellied little bundles, while they break ground on that giant aviary you were hoping to start.  All zoo donations… be prepared to anti up some one on one time with your friendliest fuzzy and/or delightful beasts.

Then it’s on to the travel.  Galapagos, Madagascar, Australia, New Zealand, here I come.  You all house critters that get top billing for “ONLY HERE!”  I’ll be slumming it with Lonesome George, the only Giant Tortoise left, and comparing E.T. fingers with Aye-Ayes in Madagascar.  Then we’ll be on to some Koala cuddling, maybe some kiwi chasing, some platypus admiring.  

The Ultimate Forever Alone, last Giant Tortoise in the world.

My billionaire plan is apparently pretty boring.  Yeah, maybe I’d buy a new house, but nothing crazy.  Just one with one of those kitchen islands in it, I like those.  It’d have a nice floor plan for entertaining, and would most likely be on a larger plot of land – not for a huge house – but for chickens, maybe a donkey, some fainting goats.  I don’t want to be so far away from the things I like that I’d feel isolated.  I still wouldn’t like golf, investment bankers would still annoy the fuck out of me, and I still wouldn’t eat foie gras.  The tortoises would get a bigger enclosure, and maybe I’d have part of the yard caged in so that the indoor only kitties could sit outside safely. 

And probably for like the first year or so, I’d have sushi every day.  (Monterrey Bay Aquarium approved sushi!!).   

EDIT: when this was written, Lonesome George was still with us. :(  Sigh.