Back to the subject of insults, I have concluded that a genuine look of surprise/embarrassment, and the explicit assumption that one is mentally challenged is really the best route. I am looking forward at some point to saying “oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t realize they let mentally challenged people [order food / drive / go to the movies / drink in a bar] while unsupervised. My apologies, of course you’re special*!!” Note, that last word there is said out of rhythm with the rest of the sentence after a tiny pause. Yes you are, you’re special.
The other day I almost got out of my car to go tell someone how special they were because I was just so enraptured by their animated nature. An SUV attempted to make a left hand turn in front of me, me being their oncoming traffic. I did what I like to do (far more insulting than the middle finger, I’m telling you)… I wagged my finger at her. IT WAS FUCKING PRICELESS! Said fucking moron immediately brings up her own claw, wagging it, and so clearly pronounces “DON’T YOU WAG YOUR FINGER AT ME!”… while poised precariously over a double yellow, foiled at executing a left hand turn against traffic like the fucking idiot she was. I wanted to roll my window down and say “GASP! I didn’t realize they let the mentally challenged drive! Kudos for almost getting it!” I find out later that that woman had so touched my husband’s heart, he’d actually have been okay with me getting out of my car to talk to her, usually a circumstance that makes the pit of his stomach drop out. So awesome was this encounter that it even led to he and I simultaneously wagging our fingers at each other only to erupt in laughter that we had both decided it was now the best way to insult each other.
Oh man, I need to figure out how to embed a picture, I have the perfect one for right here.
While chatting with my sister, she told me that while on a “transitional” vacation with her husband...as he transitioned from his year in Afghanistan to remembering how to be a husband/father, not always a smooth ride… she had an even better insult story. I wish I’d gotten more details directly from my brother in law, but I only saw him briefly and didn’t know this happened. Apparently after telling some kids to splash at the other end of the pool, my sister and BiL were accosted by the teenagers’ mothers, blind with rage that ANYONE would tell their little darlings they were anything other than perfect little snowflakes. My sister said one of the mothers threw a drink at her husband as he got out of the pool… Remember, the key part of this story is HE HAD JUST RETURNED FROM A YEAR LONG TOUR. Soldiers aren’t known for having polite tongues. One of the attackers yells “You’re mother was a whore!” and he responded, without skipping a beat, “I fucked your mom last week.” Oh yeah, mother jokes. Always good. According to my sister, she left the pool and her husband did not return for 3 hours. I am betting that it was absolutely the best transitional vacation he ever had to take, he had 3 hours to stun an ill-equipped civilian who was being a douchebag. All of this delivered in a completely calm voice, because, even more insulting, he didn’t find any of them threatening… and that always bugs the shit out of people. I should have laughed at “Don’t You Wag Your Finger At Me” lady. That would have been great!
I need to know more details, I finally feel like I have something interesting he and I can talk about when I see him next. And in the context of excellent insults, I feel that he probably touched upon some excellent tactics.
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