...It's Just That I Judge A Kid Like Anyone, And I Don't Like Just Anyone PART 2

 

The presumption that all kids are great or all kids are terrible is as inaccurate as saying the same thing about people.  Though, depending on mood, sometimes those can be true too… sometimes we really do just hate everyone.  I will jokingly say that I like animals, I hate people.  I will further say, to simplify things, that I hate kids.  The first statement has a lot more truth to it than the second one.   I instantly like most animals, because hey, they’re often so busy doing silly animally things, they have little purposeful lives of seemingly important things to do (hey, survival is no joke) and them doing their little jobs of stealing food or taking a bath, well, I find downright adorable.  Perhaps being a People, I don’t think we’re nearly so cute doing the same things.  I mean, FUCK, people, is it so hard to have a proper bath sometime recent BEFORE you get on the treadmill next to me at the gym?  Must I breathe in that level of mustiness? Yikes.  Even animals fucking bathe, you hobo.

Saying I hate kids, well, it’s an exaggeration.  It’s easier than saying I specifically hate irritating, tantrum throwing, over indulged, poor mannered, selfish, whiny, screaming, smelly, dirty, lazy, dull, annoying children.  Kids that stay on repeat and throw things and scream to be heard over you. Kids unfamiliar with being told no, or having to handle consequence.  Kids that do their best to be annoying because, like a poorly trained dog, any attention is good attention.  Can’t stand them.  I feel my tubal ligation scar tingle when I’m around them, an overwhelming urge to drink, and usually get an instant headache.  I’m not a fan of that.  So, yes, put simply, I hate kids, when kid is defined as the above underlined.  And to be even more specific, it’s not even always just a “hate” that’s happening, it’s that I’m not built to find any of that cute, nor to have patience for it.  It gives me an instant headache.  Honestly, who lies and says they like stuff that instantly gives them a headache and makes them want to punch a wall?     

I once had a 5 hour flight in a predominantly muslim, conservative country with a first born male lap child seated behind me...who screamed, hit his mother, and kicked my chair the ENTIRE five hours.  I watched as that woman was literally helpless to shut that little fuck up, all she could do was yell at her daughter to behave.  Yeah.  Sounds fair.  That kid? That kid was an asshole.  And maybe so was the dad for not giving her the go ahead to smack the Family Heir for being a little jerk. I'm pretty sure fear of whatever local laws existed kept me from snapping. 

Everything about this sets my teeth on edge.

First of all, I have a lot of nieces and nephews.  I like them all based on principle, they are “my people.” You know, we're from the same village.  They are being steeped in the things of my childhood, and I "get" them. When I have good friends, and they have kids, their kids will most likely fall into that same category.  I don't mean to make it sound like a bigoted conservative who says "I have gay friends!" but I do actually know quite a few kids that I think are pretty awesome.   I have found it is about 70-80% compulsory that I will love and adore those kids.  The attachment I have to their parents can't be the only hook, but I realize it's a significant part of it.  However… there’s a 20-30% chance that compulsory or not, I will realize that there’s just something about that kid that… hmmm… not a fan.  And this got me thinking… to be honest, that 20-30% could just as easily refer to the number of friends or family that for one reason or another, I am not always excited about sharing their company, either.  Maybe that connection gives them a leg up, but when it comes down to it, an douchebag is still a douchebag whether they're related to you or not, and whether they're 5 or 45.

It seems like such a taboo thing to dislike a specific kid.  It’s simply obnoxious when I say, hyperbolically, that I hate kids.  But it feels somewhat uncomfortable to say I hate THAT kid.  Maybe hate is too strong a word… ‘do not care for’ fits a lot better, but still makes me feel sort of rotten for admitting it.  I mean, what did that kid do to me? Other than demonstrate in action his parents' utter lack of attention for making that kid a civil, decent human being...

I don’t hate kids on principle any more than I hate anyone on principle, which is to say, not much, or maybe a lot, depending on my mood and the circumstance.  When I’m out and about, I could care less about the people around me.  I actually enjoy people watching.  When I’m at Costco (or Sam’s Club for you people further east, or Giant Wholesale Market for those outside the U.S.), when it’s crowded full of stupid fucking people that bring 3 generations of useless human beings to shop, push the carts in a different direction than where they’re eyes are looking so they crash into you and generally just take up space that would be better used as landfill… yeah, I hate people pretty fucking out loud. You don't need 7 kids with you.  They wander off.  Hell, in the parking lot, you have so many kids you don't even seem to notice when one wanders into traffic.  I guess you'll still have 6 so who cares, right?

I’ve begun to notice something, though.  Really, dumb phrase or not, kids are people too.  And we have no hesitation to admit when an adult rubs us the wrong way.  That guy is stupid, that woman is vapid, her friends are kind of stuck up, all that guy does is complain, that guy is rude to waiters, she’s just kind of… boring.  There is someone, somewhere, that hey – maybe you don’t hate them – but you have nothing in common with them, or find whatever their interests, sense of humor, or habits kind of off putting.  It happens!  We’re programmed to find and surround ourselves with people we like!!

Why are kids any different?

I have a group of friends that in all seriousness, I’m glad to be counted among them.  They’re all extremely smart, clever, interesting, creative.  As it turns out, as they have all started to have kids, they’re kids are like mini-versions of their parents.  They reflect everything that’s awesome about their parents, it’s like seeing brand new shiny soft versions of my friends that are still growing into their unique angles.  

Now this kid appears to have some personality.

Aaaaand then I have friends that while I adore, perhaps they’re my friends for one big area we have in common, and then we differ on a lot.  Or jwe're friends with them, but their spouse is just one of those things that comes with the relationship, not quite an option I’d have chosen if I had a choice.  Or it’s the a family member I don’t always mesh with very well.  What about those kids?  I’ve discovered in one such friendship that the little darling is becoming the spitting image of the spouse.  In fact, so much so, that you know what?  I really don’t like the kid all that much.  Reminds me of the spouse.  The kid is annoying, rude, obnoxious, and is one of those kids who finds herself so amusing and believes she must be adorable when acting out that I hate her even more. 

You can’t expect a kid at that super young age to reflect a personality completely outside his limited experience.  There are some people that are just so fucking irritating, how could they possibly have a child that rises above it at the ripe ol age of 3?  Hell, I even have some adult friends that, after meeting their parents, I now get where their terrible, not-funny jokes come from and their really annoying habits.  Dear ol mom and dad.  From an old person, it can be kinda endearing… "oh god… he’s telling jokes again…” From someone your age, it’s something that should have been beaten out of you on the playground.  Oh fuck, I think our friendship will finally be able to die if they have kids, I could not handle a room with 3 generations all asking me if it’s “hot enough for ya??”  Oh god no.

It’s taken me a while to come to grips with it, there are just certain kids that I don’t like that much.  And unfortunately for the kid, it appears to have a lot to do with how they were raised, or at least by whom…because even somewhat annoying kids raised by people I adore… I seem to give a lot more wiggle room too, and have some sort of giant cognitive dissonance that whatever behavior isn’t bad when coming from THIS kid, it’s just an off day… but put a smirk on that other kid, and I’m just certain he’s being smug on purpose, that rotten little brat.  

Notice the emblems on his shirt? Classy!!

But I suppose there’s still hope.  I can certainly think of a few people that I got off on the wrong foot when I first met them, and they grew on me.  And as far as kids being people too, I suppose the adults I liked most when I was little were the ones that treated me like an adult.  It's just the moment a kid starts to be a little jerk, it's soooo hard not to start flipping through my roladex of  “why I chose not to have any” reasons.  With most people, if they annoy you you can decide to avoid them.  If it's someone's kid that drives you nuts... well, I suppose the hope is the bond with the parent is enough to make it through those rough years and just hope the kid grows into a nicer person.