Warning, boring review of a really boring movie. No hard feelings if you read no further.
I don’t go into a movie full priced unless I think that I’m going to enjoy it. I refuse to spend money on any Tom Cruise slop for this very reason. While he did make some very entertaining movies, he is becoming one of those embarrassments that occur from time to time in Hollywood, when age sneaks up on an actor and steals his bravado away, replacing it with that soft, suburban warrior look that just makes you shake your head when you see him try to exude sex appeal. I remember hearing an interview with the iconic William Shatner, in which he was asked about his sex appeal. He remarked that when he was younger, women used to swoon “oooh, Bill…” with this kitten like purr, and he claims he got slipped a lot of panties. He said later on in life he heard women say the same thing, but… inflection is everything. “Oh, Bill.” Haha. Funny old man. Pat on the hand. You funny guy, you. Shatner is a man cut from the same clothe as Betty White, reinventing themselves into an ever relevant version of themselves. Someone like Tom Cruise, well… even Michael Douglas recognized when it was his turn to play quiet, calculating, devious, and not boastful testosterone. Cruise will be our generation’s Baby Jane, and he’ll do it with that overachieving barrel chest flanked by love handles that belie his age.
Warning, dissing Tom Cruise is a lot more fun than reviewing Tinfoil Turnkey Tophat Spy.
I don’t expect anyone to read this, because I’m not a good enough writer or movie reviewer to make a boring movie seem interesting in attacking it. Whatever, I’m doing it anyway. It was like this movie never wanted you to get too excited. Several people in our theatre fell asleep. The old lady next to me amused herself by spitting out and flipping her dentures around in her mouth. Honest truth. The movie was attempting to seduce the audience with it’s own indifference… as though somehow it is slinking closer and closer to something interesting, but feels it must maintain a bored expression so it doesn’t give too much away. He is the watcher. Just taking in details. You have to like watching “knowing glances” for 2 hours for this movie to rock your world. The more they seem to circle the drain, the less story there seems to be to tell.
How do you know this is going to be painful? Every review has to tell you the plot of the movie: spy world of the 1970’s, the understated hero, the world of intrigue and layers of bureaucratic murkiness, there’s a mole in the upper layers and WHO IS IT!!?? They tell you this because it’s what called a “talky” with no talking. Long shots on random things, things which apparently tell a story, things which in my mind are a director’s direct insult to the audience which says “haha, you’re a captive audience.”
The movie begins on a note that warns you, this is going to be shit, and it’s going to only get worse: Movie begins: check watch. 2:16 p.m. We follow our main character on errands in his typical day. Walking, visiting the eye doctor, wandering around… set to a rather irritating jazz score with too much…clarinet? A real nasally whine of a tune. And this goes on for some 15 minutes. The credits keep popping up. Credits that last longer than 2 minutes make your audience feel like you could give a shit they paid money to see your movie. Get on with it.
We’re not watching a shell game of intrigue being set up, we’re not watching him make ‘contact’ with secret people on his side. No, we’re showing you how fucking mundane and casual the life of secrets can be from the outside, let alone once you get on the inside. He was touted as being the anti-Bond, and they show you this redundantly. I understand from the book it is based on that the character has been doing this for so long, he could barely remember all the enemies he had if he tried; they give you none of this in the long, 2 hour and 7 minutes. They just make him seem on to something, but not something he’s going to tell anyone in range of a viewing audience.
To further hammer home the tone of this movie, they use techniques to colossally waste time in an effort to give, what one review called, “personality.” He visits woman who was also fired from spy stuffs. They visit in one room. Small talk (yes, I know, establishing their history a teeny bit)…then he asks her about some spy stuff. SO WE FOLLOW THEM GET UP AND MOVE TO A NEW ROOM. I’m sorry, 2 hours and 7 minutes says you might have been able to cover some light stuff at the door, and… and then just have them fucking be in the room with the action in it.
You actually only learn 2 spy things in this whole movie; the first is intel from an asset the Boss Spies get. The second, that the intel is a ruse to make them think the asset has been feeding them secrets, rather than the truth of the matter, that one of their own is feeding the asset their secrets back to Moscow. That’s it. These enormous, incredible secrets that they’re protecting, and not a moment of this entire movie involves discussing the crazy shit they are keeping from each other.
In fact, the main character goes on to investigate who, of the inner circle, might be the spy, he squeezes one guy into talking and you find out that he’s a ‘wanted man’ wherever he’s from. That’s it. Nothing else of interest. Let us allude to the fact that these people might have layered relationships and connections, but let’s not actually tell you about them, because THAT MIGHT FUCKING BE INTERESTING. Holy FUCKING bejesus of a waste of time, if this is compelling, I’d hate to see what happened if they went into depth anywhere. I get it. Nuanced. Intriguing. But I’ll say it out loud. Boring. Not enough pay out.
There are 2 side plots involving a heinously uglified Tom Hardy, broke my heart to see him in that terrible Lord of the Dance meets Kato Kaelin blonde wig and creepy mustache. And a second side plot involving Andy Garcia’s British Doppleganger who goes on a mission in Hungary where he’s snatched and tortured. I’m sure if I listened closer it might have made more sense, but I was left with a “wait, that’s it?” as it was. His only real purpose appeared to be providing a scene with the main character telling him about his abduction and torture in retrospect, and reveal that he probably only survived to be let go because of a close tie to the mole who used to be his friend.
I’ve been reading reviews of this movie, and there are only 2: OMG BRILLIANT DETAILED THRILLING… and “dull.” I have a lot of trouble believing the ones who find it devastatingly layered and enthralling….I could possibly have agreed if it was 40 minutes shorter…and less time spent following him swimming, at the eye doctor, or sitting on his couch in thought.
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