Having hung out with some of my friends while they had a baby sitter, I noticed two things. One, we had a great time, conversation was uber enjoyable, and the evening was a lot of fun. Two, they made a big effort to avoid talking about their kids. I suppose they’re on to something… we really didn’t talk about their kids, but… is this such a bad thing? Well, I mean, to some degree? Stick with me.
Usually you have friends that fall into different categories –work friends, family friends, sports friends, shopping friends, whatever. You either met or fostered the connection based on some commonality. I know plenty of people that when you ask, “how did you meet X?” will say from a Mommy’s club or as parents of kids in the same school/activity. That’s a perfectly grand way to meet people! In fact, if it wasn’t so fucking creepy, that’s almost an ideal way to branch out and meet some people that at that point, 3-4 years into the isolation of having a new kid, are BURSTING to meet new people and use words with multiple syllables. You have so much in common, right? Kids going through the same type of stuff… same age… and the friendship comes enriched with the benefits of sharing carpools and playdates, each giving the other a welcomed dose of OMG NO KID FOR A FEW HOURS. Which, of course rules out trolling for new friends there as a childfree individual, either you have no interest in watching or hanging with their kids and therefore offer none of those benefits mentioned above, or you do, and that’s just inappropriate to be so obsessed with someone else's kids.
It makes sense to talk kid-shop with other kid bearers, and the friendships have a mutual pay off that makes them invaluable, something childless friends don’t often deliver. One could argue that if you’re prepared for it, having your own kid and throwing them at another kid almost makes watching them easier. You become referee instead of teammate. However, kids fight dirty, and if you miss a call the other team’s owner is going to do more than ask you if you need your eyes checked. But at least the kids might occupy each other and give the parents a moment of rest?
I don’t mean to be a bad friend, it’s not that I don’t want to know what’s going on in your life. Especially when it matters to you. But let’s just say, I never went on and on about the achievements I earned in a video game to my professional work friends. Somehow I doubted they’d be impressed that I had 126 companion pets and ranked second in my guild for achievement points… just really unlikely. Likewise, without being rude, am I really the relevant audience for potty training tales? I can nod and smile, but let’s be honest. If you subject me to a conversation 100% full of stories that I will either have nothing to relate to or no real interest in, what have YOU just done to our friendship? It’s one thing to ask me to take an interest, and I DO! At least…well, I suppose non-parents have a lower tolerance for biological waste type stories… But it’s another to expect someone to develop an unnatural interest in something that is completely irrelevant to them, ie, child rearing. Think about it – I made a serious life decision, getting my tubes tied. I chose to specifically not lead the life that has some of those issues. I’m not trying to be an ass about it, I'm not. Really. But you and I both know that there comes a sphere of problems where I'm a bad friend because I probably don't know how it is, and...to be honest, I enjoy not having to know. Not that I won't take enjoyment hearing stories about it, I just... I guess there's no easier way to say it. All those stories that make parents feel at the end of their rope, secretly, inwardly, stack up in the "why I didn't have them" column. *sips coffee on quiet morning*
It might sound rude, but…it’s honest. It’s not like someone put a gun to my head and said YOU CAN ONLY SEE ONE OF THESE TWO AWESOME MOVIES WHICH IS IT??? And I was terrified and I chose one and I enjoyed it and it was great… but I desperately want to find someone that can tell me all about the other one that I’ll never get to see, because I feel like I missed out. No, this was a choice… I’m interested in hearing about why YOU liked the movie, sure – you’re my friend! But… don’t try to get me to love it like you do. Appreciate and Want are two different things. I appreciate that my spouse enjoys certain literature, and love to hear why. I don't want to read it myself.
But, going to an extreme example, wouldn’t it be weird if, after having my tubes tied, I was breathless, hanging on every word of someone's childcare stories? I nodded excitedly anticipating OMG THE DIAPER GENIE WAS FULL!! WAS IT? I BET IT WAS!! Go on!!! If I sat on the edge of my seat, already laughing, because I just know how terrible and comical it is when you can’t get the fucking baby wipe to untwist and you’ve got a major explosion going on. That I just KNEW the moment you finally got little timmy ready to go out the door, he’d throw up on your suit or fill yet another diaper. It’d be weird, plain and simple. (I have babysat before, I am aware those stupid twisted pull ones are terrible if you've only got one free hand.)
But, onto a more difficult subject… when you find that person that talks incessantly about your kids, and that person who wants you to become their kid's best friend...well, those are two totally different issues. The first, well, it’s just a matter of etiquette and knowing your audience to know when one topic has become exhausted or over employed. The second…getting me to love your kid…now that one is a whole other can of worms.
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