My Obsession with (Bad) Plastic Surgery

Litigation has really gotten in the way of what is otherwise an enormously gratifying past time.  There used to be two websites, www.awfulplasticsurgery.com, and it’s corollary, www.goodplasticsurgery.com.  They were well organized sites, you could go by what were essentially dated blog entry scrolling, or you could look up specific people alphabetically.  I think even lovers of the website occasionally sent in pictures to help with the search, but it was usually some side by side comparison with some pictures – some better, some awesome, some eh… could be makeup, I’m not seeing it.  I liked the blog layout, then you could see what’s most recent.  The current metamorphasis is simply the list of names which you then click on, which a bunch of irritating ads that pop over the page and get in the way.  And the list is only about 20 people long, mostly filled with people that either don’t care or don’t have their shit together enough to organize a complaint. (That’s you, Courtney Love, and nothing could save that coke nose.)  Currently the “good” version is still set up like the blog.  

But the website was AAAWWWESOME.  Now, the websites have been scaled down, moved around, and turned to crap.  They’re not nearly so gratifying.  Celebrities and their stupid lawyers are ruining what really should be some good light hearted fun.  I don’t care when someone gets plastic surgery, but I do however get really bent out of shape when it’s obvious and they’re denying it.  So what, you had something done.  You can be vague about it.  But don’t tell me you had nothing done.  I’m not an idiot.  There were several girls in my high school that all had the same bargain basement nose.  It was a slight variance on the Tori Spelling nose, I think it was the standard removing-hook-nose surgery in the 1990’s.  This pic is to show the nose, but I must comment, why post a before/after pic about her breast size when your before pic is an amorphous black shirt that shows nothing?  Seriously, I'm sure Teen Beat had a better pic to use in comparison...

 

But at least one other girl had one after high school, and it only irks me because of how much denial she is in.  She had her mother’s fairly solid potato nose – similar to Gisele Bundchen’s original nose.  I have taken the liberty of saving these pics rather than links, because these most likely won’t stay where they are forever.  Enjoy.  Yes, that really is her in the before pic. 

She rather looks like Claire Danes in the before, I think (Bundchen, not the girl from high school).  No doubt that in the before shot, she still has a smoking hot body, and I think done up all super modelly her nose might not have been so obvious.  The girl in question that I know… her second nose is so tiny and low profile, if she wears too much under eye cover up, her face very nearly disappears now, because there’s very little on it that sticks out to any degree.  When she poses next to her mom now, who still has the same nose, it’s just awkward.  And don’t get me wrong, she was pretty in the before, but the after, well, it’s drastic.

I think noses are the most often thing tweaked.  They take something sort of bulbous and Muppet feature and make it more chiseled and angular.  And hey, the end result is usually pretty good.

The things that I don’t understand, though, are the fillers, cheek/chin implants, and face lifts… your skin grows in a certain direction.  Facelifts, to my knowledge, come in at least two types – cutting around the hair line and pulling that skin tighter, and “thread” ones that sound totally gnarly where they actually attach strings to parts of you and pull it taught to another spot.  Imagine one of those strings breaking and suddenly you go stroke victim on one side.  Egads gross.   But back to skin direction… the facelift pulls aren’t in the natural direction, so as an end result, everyone gets the same eye stretch.  From Jane Fonda, to Kenny Rogers, to Bruce Jenner, they’re eyes get the same fucked up squish look that just makes the whole thing not worth the effort.

The fillers puff them the fuck up – to smooth out wrinkles – but instead they look like what happens to a corpse when it’s stuck under water – that nasty bloated look that distorts their features and rather than making them look young, makes them look like raging alcoholic fat versions of themselves that have been beaten too many times about the head and shoulders.  Not a good look. 

Filler:

Facelift:

If you go to far, you end up looking nearly exactly alike.  There’s a branch of aging Hollywood that now all look alike, and it’s creepy!

Plastic surgery can totally make a difference in some subtle way, but jesus, the moment you tip the scales from tweaking a small percentage of what you naturally have to a large chance to what is barely original face, well, you’re going to fuck things up.