I feel like I did a pretty good job on some of my blog posts. I feel like this one is crappy, so don’t bother failing to comment to tell me about how fail it is, I already know.
I once started to make a list of movie clichés I was sick of seeing play out, and then I found out that on Ebert’s site, he actually has a complete anthology of all of them. You know, like the one slow clapper at the end of a film that gets the crowd to start clapping for the unlikely hero…or the angry tearful fighting between a man and a woman that will ALWAYS result in them fucking… those sorts of stupid, retarded, only in movies type shit.
A few things I’ve learned about movies include, if a woman throws up, or touches her belly, she’s pregnant. Queue director: “okay, so in this scene you’re starting to really think about what this pregnancy is going to mean and what you’re going through…” Actress: furrows brow, looks down in mirror at her stomach that she touches gingerly… Yeah. There are only so few ways they know how to communicate these things. You know without a doubt if they show her throwing up, it’s meaningful. People don’t use the bathroom in movies unless it’s to get their junk stuck in a zipper, take a pregnancy test, hide from an attacker, or to slow a loveless empty marriage where two people floss and brush teeth in as unsexy a manner as they can to prove their love is gone.
Is it true that every parent coming to visit or mother in law coming to stay is some witty version of Jane Fonda that’s going to make under the breath stabs at you every moment? Granted, I know there are some parents like that… but more than likely, they are the same, clueless bumbling parents they were when you were little, that hurt you more with comments like “you really shouldn’t have seconds” or “no, your father and I prefer staying in a hotel, thanks.” They bring you a present that’s a shitty T-shirt that doesn’t fit and would be too obnoxious to wear anyway, and constantly comment about how your city is just not like home yet don’t return there soon enough. Not everyone’s in-laws are aging movie stars that wear Ralph Lauren to the county fair. Some, yes. But every single one? No.
Likewise, the adorable blonde that slings herself onto the barstool doesn’t happen to do so next to a down and out yet perfectly successful bill paying intelligent yet jaded wanker with heart. At least, not in the bars I’ve been to. Unless by adorable blonde you mean strung out talentless moron who isn’t going to try out and successfully sling drinks for Coyote Ugly and perfect jaded guy is some jesus freak warrior that wants to tell you about his ministry that he got into after deep soul searching while incarcerated, his restraining orders from his ex wife, the kids he was accused of beating, and the horse stables he now mucks. True story, I met that guy. I’m sort of blonde, hardly adorable, but at least what I’m saying here is odds are against either one of those well adjusted people showing up ready to rom com it up, even if one showed up, it will never be both at the same time, and most likely will be someone one chapter from a murderous rampage over a parking lot space dispute.
Blah blah blah but movies are fiction and about escapism so the impossible happens… yeah, sure. But, how does this explain the clueless mother who doesn’t realize her new boyfriend and her son are wrestling and trying to kill each other when she leaves the room? Or how some failure at life moron suddenly becomes the guardian for an orphaned kid because some BIGGER moron knew in their heart of hearts that if they died suddenly and inexplicably, their kid would be better off being raised by a childless immature alcoholic that needed a baby thrust into their lives to bring out their inner shine? Considering that kind of reasoning, sadly, the kid IS better off because the original parent IS FUCKING STUPID.
Movies about some sort of apocalypse must zoom in on a nutjob with a sandwich board. Kid adventure stories must start with an eye rolling forlorn looking kid hearing their busy, working, single parent bark words of caution to them before scrambling out the door and leaving said kid alone to get into trouble. Dramas about someone stumbling onto information they shouldn't know start with their mundane morning commute, coffee purchase, and "hello" to the building security guard. Oh, how normal their life was, just yesterday. GAAAH POST IS SO ANGSTY i can't even finish it. No, I guess I can. Bored irritated hipster shuts laptop with a snap in a moment of frustration that life is just too much to deal with right now, so they leave their upscale amazing apartment in a swank neighborhood to throw back drinks at an awesome local bar where... an adorable blonde slides in next to them absolutely ready to notice that they’re different.
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