Fucking magnets, how do they work?

I recently made a Victoria’s Secret purchase.  I might be shitty at spending gift certificates in a timely fashion, but I’m fucking awesome at keeping them.  I know for a fact one of them was an engagement present, so that thing was at least 8 years old…and one was from a birthday before that.  You know what?  Not a single one lost any value.  Yeah, I know, I know, California passed a law about gift certificates retaining their value… and I’d have to google what year that passed… and then I’d be doing research for a blog (fuck that)….

Anyway, I had $190 worth of gift certificates saved up, so I went on a lazy shopping spree (yes, from my computer).  And damn, not only does VS know their fucking business (my shit arrived in like 3 days!), they have the architecture and engineering down like a fucking boss.  In fact, my new bathing suit DOES make me look like I have a fucking rack and a half.  And that lace thingy with the red and the garters?  Yeah, that thing?  Effective.  Very effective.  And surprisingly comfortable.  And supportive.  For being… essentially nothing.  It's like magic, really, seems improbable, yet, there they are.  Kudos, dood who sold his VS business for next to nothing and kicks himself daily for selling…great idea! Too bad it’s no longer yours!

Anyway, after my swank purchase, I am of course plagued with the daily VS email about clearance and sales and promotions… Every day, a new hot chick in my mailbox, frolicking around in the surf, writhing around on the dock… promoting cheaper and cheaper versions of herself.  It’s like we had our moment.  And now… now she’s just letting me know exactly how pathetic and dirty she’ll get for my repeat business.  Either I was duped before into thinking she was some sort of merchandise goddess, or I’m only now seeing how that slut bag will do just about anything for a couple bucks. 

Thanks, Vicky, but I’m good for right now.  And you’re starting to look desperate.  Put some fucking clothes on and try your sales pitch without your finger pulling down the side of your lip, you’re starting to look like a mouth breather.  With a hip problem.  Seriously, who juts their hip out that far to the side so your entire body looks like a scoliosis S curve?  Oh right, people with scoliosis.  My bad.