Honestly, we really need to bring back the proper insult. I feel we’ve just let things devolve to the simplest form, and in doing so took hairspray flame napalm to an entire Who-Ville world of possibility.
Today’s parking lot fights over a spot are so predictable.
“Hey! That was my spot, I was waiting for it!”
“Hey, Fuck you!”
“WHAT? No, Fuck YOU!”
I mean, has it deteriorated so exceedingly far that both sides of a fight use the same coup d'etat thereby making the entire conflict end on what is unfortunately a tone of agreement, don’t you think? Yeah, fuck you too. So they’ve decided they should each receive a fuck, but does that leave anyone thinking later… HOW COULD HE SAY THAT TO ME?
Those words just aren’t haunting to anyone. Now this one, this one is bound to get someone – and by someone, I mean the only person I’m certain reads any of this:
“You egg, you fry of treachery.” (or at least were collected by said Treachery).
Shakespeare had some dooseys, but I admittedly had to google that one, so I’m putting the limit at one source check here. Mostly problematic because I prove my own premise, I too have become pretty shitty had good insults. While I do in fact like “A plague on your house!” It’s not that gratifying in a shopping mall fight. Rosie O’Donnell was on the right path when she said “I hope you get cancer,” although it loses something when you start knowing people that get or die of cancer. It’s not quite so… insulting. And instead it’s just, well, pathological.
Perhaps the best approach would be to assume the unexpected, like brain damage or mental retardation. “whoa, man, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were…special.” You just have to give the right inflection. A sudden change of reaction based on some fabricated perceived defect with someone might sneak up on them later… or even an unplanned (yet planned) sudden outburst like “you saw me waiting fo… holy shit your eyes are close together.” That sort of thing… THAT they will remember. Imagine a giant bug on their face when you react and say it, like you’d do anything to not have to look at them anymore, including concede and argument. That might do it.
Sure, maybe “hobo plagued dandelion” lacks the impact that “Fuck you, you lazy sack of shit, maybe if you sang louder they’d have heard you…” Though maybe that’s moot, because I’m pretty sure if any garden flower I came across made a sudden and unexplainable noise like that, my first instinct would be to kill it with fire. I know this because I’ve already tested what flora is flammable, and I didn’t even have to hear it sing to pursue it.
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