My magical pants have a message. That message is, "Fuck you."

So I have a fucking magical pair of pants.  Magic, you say?  As in, they can travel from person to person, improbably flattering 3 skinny chicks and one fat one?  No, moron, and thanks for outing both of us for knowing that stupid plot.

These are vindictively magical, psychologically brutal pants.  How so, you ask?  Well, these jeans fit, but with that reminder that perhaps dessert should be an apple, not a brownie.  Sure, probably not the best fit ever, but that’s their power. They fit, although they have that slight whisper that, you know, maybe you could lay off the salt, you might be retaining.  When I originally purchased these pants, appreciating that they fit without that stupid gap in the back or any of the other million ways jeans can be so ill-fitting on a girl who's NEVER complained "why is my butt flat! *pouty face*"  I did what you're are supposed to do when you find gapless pants: I purchased two pairs of them. 

Yet I think only this one pair is magical.  The other, I don’t notice.  I feel good wearing them, they’re comfortable, and they fit.  But this pair, this pair is just cranky as fuck.

So…time passes, and I lose 5lbs.  And what do you know?  Said pants still fit.  However, they have now decided to let me think about all my past mistakes, concentrating on my waist, giving me that self conscious worry that I’m muffin topping all over the place.  What about 5 lbs ago?  Where was this horrible feeling then?  How did these pants fit then if I am noticing now that they feel too snug? 

Somewhere there is a painting of my jeans, flopping around, stretched out beyond usefulness.

So more time passes, and I lose another 5lbs.  I triumphantly return to The Pants, in hopes that they finally concede defeat.  Mr. Belt, not so magical, now needs to go down a notch size.   However, magically, Mr. Pants have seen my 5lbs, and raised me an extra snug feeling in the thigh.  Seriously, pants? Really? I lose 5lbs, you magically shrink and find a new way to make me feel a little pudgy?  What the fuck did my thighs do between now and last month? It's not the salsa stain, is it?  Are you that petty?

Stupid pants.

I knew my pants which preceded these were done the day I went to pull them off to pee and realized I hadn’t undone a button or zipper to get them around my ankles.  Yet, The Pants have no such intention of being here today, gone tomorrow.  I should invite over 3 friends so we can all try them on and hate ourselves just a little bit more.